BLOGS ON FAMILY/CHILDREN & FRIENDSHIP

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        I was working outside planting flowers with my daughter who was three years old at the time. She liked playing in the dirt and didn’t mind getting her hands dirty. She wanted to go inside to watch cartoons, so I rinsed her hands off and instructed her, “DO NOT sit on the furniture, but sit on the floor until I come in to give you a bath”. She politely (as usual) said “ok Mommy” and skipped inside.  Several minutes later when I entered the house, she was sitting with her legs crossed; and dirty hands and arms on the armrest of my ivory wingtip lounger. I yelled “JESSICA WHAT DID I TELL YOU TO DO!!!?” She replied , “you told me not to sit on the furniture and to  sit on the floor”. Then I said, “well what is that you’re sitting on young lady!?”. She looked down at the chair calmly and said “oh, I thought it was the floor.” 

        I was already angry seeing her on my ivory chair with dirt everywhere, but lying about it made me furious. I yelled for her to get out of the chair and marched her to the bathroom to take a bath. Meanwhile, I spent the evening trying to clean all the dirt off my fine furniture. 

In hindsight, for a toddler, I have to give her points for such a clever and quick response, if it wasn’t such an obvious lie.  That should have given me a clue that she may be a handful when she became a teenager, because she was.

       Obviously, she heard me but rather than say “I’m sorry” or “I forgot” she lied. But why? After all, she was only three. How could a three year old learn to lie to easily? As parents we try our best to groom our children to be good little people, and pray the rest of the time; hoping they will turn out okay.  Whether they have your DNA or not, they still form their own habits, opinions, likes and dislikes at a very early age. My former mentor used to say it best, “Children are little people too”. 

        Children (toddlers) lie too, just like grownups. But how did they learn? Most times it’s by example. They are always watching us. They hear our conversations, they see how we react to things:  happy, sad, angry. They try to respond as we do because they have no other reference point. It’s not just the parents but it can be anyone they’re close to; especially those living with them or around a lot.  

        You can teach your children to do the right thing, but still, your entire life is on display every day, right before their little eyes.  There is no such thing as “Just do as I say and not as I do” to a kid.  

“Actions speaks louder than words”. 

       How did my Jessica learn to lie so well? She knew how I felt about lying.  I didn’t have to look far. Her example was right in our house with us.  The good news is, with a little patience, discipline and a whole like of examples for her to follow; meaning me, she learned. 

       I’m not gone lie either,  It took a while, but she finally understood that “Mommy doesn’t like lying” and to always be truthful even if she did something wrong that may get her in trouble. And You know what else helped? Her example  was no longer around, so problem solved …YAH.  

Be Your Best Always,

Amy

          Teenagers, you got to love them. Almost every parent with teenagers has to wonder at one time or another “what in the world?” ---“what happen to my sweet darling girl or that considerate boy I raised?” Just like a switch that turned into such young monsters. When they’re around you’re constantly arguing, yelling, cursing, fighting . Sometimes you cry or become tensed, trying to figure out how to deal with them.

         Teenagers can be moody, crabby, disrespectful, insensitive and self-absorbed. No matter how much or how long you talked to them, it's like you're speaking alien. They act like they don’t hear you, don’t want to know or understand what you’re trying to say. The bold ones may do things on impulse like sneaking out of the house without permission to be with their girl/boyfriend, get involved in an unlikely situation, exhibit strange and disrespectful behavior or want to stay in their room away from everyone just because they don’t want to be bothered. Sounds familiar? 

       I can remember when my daughter and I went home to visit my mom who lived a few hours away. She was just going into the teen phase. While playing with her new friends on the patio, I noticed how bossy and rude she was with them. I said to my mom. “she’s so bossy and my Mom’s response was “You were bossy too at that age”. Impossible, I thought, but I supposed she was right. All I could remember was how fabulously wonderful I was as a child until she reminded I wasn’t. She told me I was demanding and moody all the time. I wanted things my way. All I can remember from my experience were the strict rules, and her being frequently angry with me. Gee, I wonder why? LOL. 

         Frankly, history has a way of repeating itself. From one generation to the next, children go through almost the same kind of things except, now there are so many other challenges such as negative exposures on social media. 

I bet you didn’t think that this wonderful, and loveable child would turn out to be such as pain in the@#%. It’s okay, you’re not alone.  You love them but them for sure, but there are times when you just can’t stand them, right?

Just for a moment allow yourself to go back in time. How did your parents, guardians or mentors help to keep you in line or influence you from making stupid mistakes? There are things that every growing kid must go through to shape their world and personalities, yet there are other experiences they need to avoid. This is why that child needs your help. 

                         Assess The Challenges

•Divide and Conquer

Have you discussed with your spouse/partner specifics with them gives you both cause for alarm? In your discussions, have you come up with a plan together, to overt or stop these behaviors/activities? In other words, you both have to be on the same page because if you’re not, they may and sometimes will get round your rules if they can manipulate the weakest of you two; such as pitching one against another. It’s a “divide and conquer” kind of thing.  “I know you said no, but Dad said it’s okay for me to go to the party.” They should never be to run from one parent to the next and get approval when  a decision on the matter. 

•Bending The Rule

Teenagers love to bend rules and they can be so good at it: “Oh Mom/Dad I thought you said I could do…..” even though you were very specific about what you did not want them to do. Sometimes you have to record your conversation for them or put it in writing and post it so they won’t be able to say they did not hear you, or misunderstood what you said.

•Pretend They Did Nothing Wrong

Of yes, it happens more than you think; that creative yet devious kid act as if they did not do anything wrong. They will offer reasoning as to why they felt what they did or did not do was appropriate and should be accepted. “You told me to….and I did, but not exactly the way you said it, but it was done.” Wrong is wrong and if you let it fly, you are going to have even bigger issue next time.

                          Impact Resolutions

●Outline  and discuss with each other the things that are notable which needs to be addressed before you meet with the child, and as a team/couple show a unified front in your decision when you meet with them.

●If you are a single parent, make sure the child clearly understand who’s in charge and the consequences of not following directions and rules.

●Never reward bad or poor behavior. Parents tend to do this all of the time. They give in too soon without allowing time for them to learn and make the right adjustments. That new cell phone or laptop you were planning to get for them, put it on hold until you see and know that there has been a firm change. Respect has to earned. They want you to respect their wishes (if reasonable of course), then they must respect yours.

●Talk with them, spend time with them. During those good moments, help them to understand the value of doing the right thing, treating people the right way, and consequences of foolish and poor decisions. As a parent you want to prevent them from making repeat mistakes or something worse.

●I cannot stress this next point enough, DO NOT be so easy to give in just because it appears they are doing better. Teenagers can be quite manipulative. There, I said it. But it is true. Statistics as shown that it takes at least 21 consecutive days to change a habit, so with poor behavior it does not just go away just-like-that. You want to make sure that they are working on being better then perhaps you should consider three or maybe even four consistent months, so you know for sure that they are making positive changes. Anyone can  act right for a little while just because they want you to think they have changed, or to get you “off their backs,” basically to go back to what they want to do. Trust me I made that mistake too often.

●Finally, I’ve seen and heard parents become verbally and physically abusive because they are so angry or frustrated with the child. It doesn’t solve anything except create more anger, causes separation between  both of you and now you’ve added additional stress to the situation. Refrain from this because you are teaching them the wrong behavior as well. Some things are damaging and can be irreversible from an emotional and/or physical standpoint.  Be patient, pray about your decisions. 

Yes, of course maintain your stand on what you want and expect of them, but this is not the military. So, always let them see and know that they are loved. You’d be surprised how much is accomplished when a child knows they are loved. Teenagers tends to compare discipline and rules to feeling unloved, or appreciated and it’s important they see, and feel your love toward them.

              I know it’s hard raising teenagers, I’ve been there and believe me even living in a huge home, that house never seemed big enough. What you do now plays a significant role in who they will become as adults. Always be at your best, so they can learn to be at theirs’ because actions speaks louder than words. Keep their best interest to heart because that’s what parenting requires.

Be Your Best Always

Amy 

SPECIAL DEDICATION TO FATHERS- COMING SOON PLEASE CHECK BACK

                           COMING SOON PLEASE CHECK BACK